Primary Reflections

It’s hard to believe it’s been nearly 4 months. Only four months. 134 days. Four months looks so short on a calendar, but so many things can happen in four months – according to Google, you can learn to run a 4 hour marathon in 4 months. I didn’t do that.

Seriously, though, it is so strange to look back at the things I have accomplished, or haven’t accomplished, in the past semester. I’ve made new friends; I’ve taken classes in a different country with a different education system and in a different language, and I think I managed to pass them all; I’ve become more comfortable speaking in a foreign language, and while I’m not quite as fluent as I’d like to be, I’ve discovered it’s not so much about how well you speak, but how confidently you speak; I’ve travelled to new places and struck up conversations with complete strangers, for no better reason than that we were both alone in places were being alone was not a common situation; I’ve been lonely, I’ve felt crowded, and I’ve decided it’s ok to miss people for no other reason than just needing that one particular style of hug; I’ve laughed harder than I’ve laughed in a long time; I've climbed mountains and walked through the clouds; I’ve learned that Latin America is far more interesting than I expected it to be; I’ve been scared and felt targeted, but I’ve also never felt so welcomed and wanted; I’ve been laughed at for my gringa-ness, and I’ve been mistaken for a Chilean; I’ve gotten lost countless times, and been on so many adventures.

It’s been an Adventure with a capital A, and it’s coming to a close. What with classes winding down and finals looming, I’ve been rushing towards the end without even realizing it. I realized last week that I was saying goodbye to my classmates at la Catolica for the last time. It was a strange realization – how do you say goodbye to people you’re probably never going to see again?

I’m so torn about having to leave. On one hand, I’m looking forward to seeing my friends and family again; to having a higher level of independence, to driving my own car, speaking in english, using my school library (I swear, I daydream about that library – it’s probably not healthy). I’m looking forward to leaving this city. I love Chile, and I love South America, but I am not a city person, and I have realized the extent of that since I’ve been here. I’m just not comfortable in a big city like Santiago, and I’m looking forward to leaving the crowds, the noise, and the pollution behind.

At the same time, I’m not ready to leave yet. I feel like there are so many things I have yet to accomplish, and that last minute panic is setting in – all of those things that, all of a sudden, you realize you HAVE to do before you go or your entire stay will have been utterly worthless. There are so many places I still want to go, so many things left to do, so many people to meet, and I know that I just don’t have the time or the ability to do it all. But that just means that I have more of a reason to come back in the future!

I think the hardest part about coming back is going to be knowing what to say. How do you summarize an experience like this in a two minute timeframe? I have so many stories that I want to tell everyone, and it will be hard to come to terms with the fact that, as much as I want to pretend otherwise, most people just won’t want to hear them all. And that’s ok! Because no matter how many stories I tell, there is no way I will be able to capture this experience for you. It’s not something I can wrap up with a bow and give to you. This is what they mean when they say that study abroad is a life changing experience that you need to live through to really understand. I can tell you that it’s cold – I can’t explain to you what it feels like to see your breath in the bathroom. I can tell you all of my stories and how I felt, I can lay it out in perfect detail with beautiful imagery and no spelling mistakes, but no matter how I write it out, I cannot bring you into my head and help you to experience what I experienced, I can’t show you what my study abroad experience actually was. I can’t bring you into the heart of what study abroad is, which is throwing yourself out there into the completely unknown and trusting that you’ll be able to catch yourself and that, in the end, it will all be worth it. When I return to the states, I will want to tell you my stories, and I will be so frustrated because no matter how hard I try, no matter how many stories I tell and no matter how many you are actually willing to listen to, I won’t be able to show you what it all meant.

And you know what? That’s ok.